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Workshop Teaches
Parenting
By Cindy Klinger
The Journal News
(Original publication: April
11, 2004)
Children aggravate
their parents. It goes hand-in-hand with parental pride.
Offering help to parents who want to better relate
to their children, a small, intimate Pebbleworks Parenting Workshop
titled Child Sense has been meeting weekly at the Stonewater Sanctuary in
Croton-on-Hudson. Four local moms and parenting coach Laurie DeCicco have
spent three hours together one night each week in a dimly lit,
comfortable room talking about their own childhood memories, beliefs and
stories of their offspring's worst tantrums.
One recent session was the "nuts and
bolts," said DeCicco, addressing how to react to specific actions
children take and how to prevent disruptive behavior. Other sessions
involved the women talking about how they were raised, setting boundaries,
and exploring discipline, values and children's roles.
Some members said they already have seen results.
"Just the few tools that Laurie's given us ...
a few terms, just really changed the whole home environment," said
Mary Crowley, 42, of Buchanan. She has four children, ranging in age from
2 to 14.
The $165 Pebbleworks Parenting Workshop course,
which meets for the last time Thursday, is one of many workshops and
seminars offered by Stonewater, a for-profit wellness and spirituality
center at 2055 Albany Post Road that opened in 1999.
Peekskill resident Mary Schiavo
thinks the class will help her children among their peers as well, not
just in the family setting.
"It helps develop a strong sense of their
self, so they're not prone to peer pressure and stuff as they get older,
and there's a lot of temptation out there," she said of her three
children, ages 8, 5 and 2. "They feel more, they're behaving better,
they're more cooperative."
DeCicco, 37, discussed common behavior in children,
including avoidance and power struggles. The ways to interact with
children depend on their behavior, she said, but the loving, positive
message remains constant.
DeCicco, a Verplanck mother of two, left her job as
an interior designer in 1998 and began working as a parenting coach in
2001. Through her company, Pebbleworks Inc., she is developing seminars
and CDs to guide parents.
As a parent, it's all about how to handle those
tough moments, she said.
"You can't control what other people are
doing, including your children," said the mother of Isabella, 2 1/2,
and Samantha, 6. "What you can control is how you react to what
they're doing."
Reach Cindy
Klinger at cklinger@thejournalnews.com or 845-228-2270.Reach Cindy
Klinger at cklinger@thejournalnews.com or 845-228-2270.
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The
Gifts We Give Our Children
by Laurie DeCicco
A recent experience I had with my three year old
daughter has led me to contemplate the gifts that I give to my children. My
perception of gift giving is steeped in the material world. Birthdays,
holidays and special occasions have always consisted of toys, gadgets,
crafts and clothes. There is no doubt we live in a world of excess. There
is also no doubt about the rush of pure joy watching a child open a
special box containing a long awaited gift with anticipation. But those
moments pass quickly and the contents of the box are often forgotten
about in a relatively short period of time.
There are everyday gifts we give our children. We
sign them up and transport them to various activities and clubs intended
to enrich their lives and provide them with healthy outlets. In some
instances we have overscheduled to the detriment of both our children and
ourselves. How healthy are these outlets when they no longer have time to
do their homework or play with their friends? How enriched are they when
we have no time to sit down as a family and share a meal at the end of
our day?
My gift fell into another category, finding a fun
activity to do together on a relatively free day. It was at the end of
this day that I began to realize, my gift, however well intended, was no
gift at all. I decided it would be nice to bring in a special treat for
Valentines Day to my daughter's preschool class. We began by a trip to
the corner store for supplies. We breathed in the fresh air as we walked
hand in hand enjoying a moment and a song... just us. Upon our return the
task of cookie making began. She remained interested until the bowl
licking was complete and, as most three year olds will, then lost
interest in the remainder of the project. I spent the remainder of the
afternoon baking cookies with my daughter tugging at my leg begging me to
play with her.
As I lay in bed that night a feeling of failure
kept returning to me. My life, like most peoples, is a busy one. On a day
where there were few tasks to fulfill I chose to create one. I intended
it to be a wonderful activity to enjoy with my daughter. In my mind, it
would be a bonding experience with a reward for the whole class to enjoy.
The best gift I gave to my daughter that day was
the ten minute walk to the store before the planned project began. It is
our time that is our most precious gift to our children. It is our
presence that becomes the present. Learning to just be with my children
without needing to accomplish anything is the lesson I have learned
today. Perhaps that is her gift to me.
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Tantrum Tamers
– Tried and True
By Kristen J.
Gough
July
2004
Two hours into the five-hour flight from LaGuardia
to Salt Lake City, it started. Screaming.
An all-out tantrum. Mark and Kathryn Newman of Tuckahoe tried everything
to appease their then two-and-a-half-year-old son, Josh. "We had
bought new toys just for the flight. We tried snacks. We tried playing
with the telephone," explains Mark. "Nothing would distract him
from the tantrum." Instead of angry looks from other passengers, the
Newmans were met with sympathetic nods. After a tense hour or so, Josh
finally fell asleep. "When I got off the plane I couldn't imagine
ever getting back on. I never wanted to fly with my two-year-old
again," says Mark. Thankfully, a later flight time and a larger
plane seemed to appease Josh on the return trip.
Like many parents, the Newmans had to deal with
their share of tantrums when their son was young. Yet with a little
know-how – and a lot of patience – parents can make their
children's tantrums less intense and even less frequent.
"Tantrums are part of a normal developmental
step," explains Dr. Angela Seracini, director of the Behavior
Disorders Clinic in the Pediatric Psychiatry Service at Morgan Stanley
Children's Hospital of New York-Presbyterian. "Little kids become
frustrated because they have the drive to be more independent and
autonomous, yet they can't do it by themselves. Sometimes they have a
system overload."
Most children start exerting their independence
somewhere around their first birthday. By the age of two, many toddlers
have mastered meltdowns. For most, tantrum triggers can be as simple as
not getting the color lollipop they want. Other factors are often at
play, such as hunger or tiredness. By the time children reach the age of
four, most have outgrown tantrums.
While not completely preventable, careful
preparation can help you avoid tantrums or provide a way to diffuse them
quickly. "Slow down and plan ahead," counsels Laurie DeCicco,
who offers parenting workshops through her company, Pebbleworks, based in
Croton-on-Hudson. DeCicco describes the toddler years, between two and
four, as a time of transition for children: "It is a time when their
bodies are rapidly changing. Their eating habits are adjusting as well as
their sleep habits. Many toddlers are ready to give up their naps –
even though they still need their nap."
DeCicco understands the amount of stress dealing
with tantrums can wreak on parents. "During the tantrum phase, which
my youngest child is in now, children become so overwhelmed they are
unable to communicate and have a meltdown over the simplest things."
Look for your child's tantrum triggers. Instead of
immediately disciplining the child, consider what might be the underlying
cause for the behavior. Melissa Schill of Brooklyn found that her
three-year-old daughter Anne was always acting up when she took her to
the doctor. "She would kick and scream as soon as we got to the
office," recalls Schill. "She would scream, 'I hate him,' to
the doctor. I always left mortified." Schill wondered if part of her
daughter's reaction was caused by nervousness. She found a book on
visiting the doctor's and bought Anne a play medical kit. Before
appointments, Schill would read the book with her daughter and encourage
her to play doctor. Now, Anne doesn't mind seeing the doctor and Schill
makes sure Anne has had plenty of sleep and snacks before they go.
According to Dr. Seracini, if you describe a new or
unfamiliar situation to your child ahead of time, she will be better
equipped to handle it. "Talk to your child about what's going to
happen," says Dr. Seracini. "And explain what your expectations
are for his or her behavior." For instance, many parents struggle
when taking children shopping. Younger children want to touch everything
and older children want to buy everything. Talk to them at their level
about what is going to happen. Agree on a special treat the child can
pick out at the store, or on a reward, such as reading a favorite book
together afterwards, if the child behaves.
Some tantrums defy explanation. For the all-out
screaming and yelling routine, Dr. Seracini suggests ignoring the
behavior as long as the child is not endangering himself or someone else.
Often the child loses interest in acting out when he doesn't get a
reaction. Parents might give the child time to cool down, either in a
special chair or in her room. Some children simply want to be held and
soothed. Remember that different strategies work better at different
times.
As a child gets older, parents can initiate
consequences for bad behavior. Karen Perkins of New Rochelle has six children who age
in range from one to seven. She's heard her share of screams and whines.
"Generally, I tell my toddlers that they either have to stop or they
will have a timeout or lose privileges. It depends on the
situation," says Perkins. "If everyone else is getting popsicles,
then that child doesn't get one. If everyone else gets to watch TV, that
child can't. But you have to do what you say you're going to do."
Experts agree that most children are seeking
attention with their tantrums. Dr. Seracini advises parents to use that
to their advantage. Withdraw attention during bad behavior and praise
good behavior afterward. "Especially with older children, try to
step up a whole system of telling them what a positive alternative is to
their behavior," she says. If a child is, for instance, kicking a
baby sister, give her a better behavior to imitate. Help her stroke the
baby's face or sing a lullaby.
Both Dr. Seracini and DeCicco suggest that parents
change their mindset when it comes to tantrums. Instead of getting
frustrated or angry, which fuels and intensifies the tantrum, try to
think of it as a developmental stage. While that might be difficult to do
when your child is grabbing every candy bar in sight from the grocery
counter, remember that he is learning how to control his impulses and he
needs your help. Believe it or not, your toddler is not trying to upset
you.
In the end, the Newmans learned their lesson about
flying: Josh does not like enclosed spaces. When choosing flights, they
look at plane configurations versus ticket prices. They opt for larger
planes with four-seat rows so Josh has plenty of room to stretch out with
mom and dad. They also bring along a portable DVD player to make the
flight easier on him – and on them.
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Laurie’s
class has given me new ways to deal with difficult situations. Her
workshop made me think about my own childhood and the effects it has on
how I parent my children.”
Mary,
Mother of 4
“The
Child Sense Workshop has helped me to be more present in my everyday
life.”
Rose,
Mother of 2
“I
used Laurie’s workshop as my version of Lamaze”
Ann,
preparing to adopt
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